"I'll see you soon Daddy"
I stopped off at the local chemist after college and looked around the shelves for something to ease the pain in my stomach. It had been flaring up all day and I desperately needed something to numb the pain. I was still dressed in Jake's clothes, my own still damp inside my bag.
"Can I help you?" A voice asked, directing the question at me. I snapped out of my little daze and turned to face a worker in her early forties, smiling at me.
"Yes please. My brother is a boxer and he's in pain with his stomach. I wondered if you had anything to help him?" I lied, knowing I was babbling way too much. I couldn't help it, I'm a crappy liar.
"Has he been treated professionally?" She asked, frowning a little. My eyes widened at her questioned and I felt my heart pick up pace.
"Erm y-yes but he wants painkillers, strong ones," I mumbled quietly, staring at the floor.
"Follow me," she responded politely, disappearing down an aisle. I breathed a sigh of relief, following her in the same direction she disappeared.
"Tell him to take these three times a day after food. They are strong painkillers so no more than three," she informed me strictly. I nodded and thanked her, paid for the tablets and left the chemist. Once I was outside and around the corner, I immediately swallowed two without water.
"Please help me," I whispered, shuffling myself in the direction of home.
I was halfway up the stairs when Trevor stopped me, slurring his words, once again.
"What the fuck are you wearing?" He yelled up the stairs. I turned slowly, feeling exhausted from the day. Much to my dismay, my heart began to pick up speed in fear.
Trevor was stood at the bottom of the stairs in his pyjamas even though it was the afternoon. Slob. I could feel him glaring straight at me, eyes burning holes through mine. He was clearly growing impatient, his foot tapping against the floor.
"It was raining this morning so I changed into some dry clothes," I said quietly, signalling at Jake's clothes. I turned back around, wanting to escape to my room as soon as I could.
"You filthy slut. You disgust me."
"What did you just call me?" I asked, turning back around and narrowing my eyes at him.
"You're a filthy slut. Do you let every boy have a go on you in school?" He snapped back, his eyes flashing with hatred for me. I didn't miss the smirk that grew on his lips as he tore me down with his words.
I immediately felt my chest tighten with anger.
My fists clenched by my sides and I narrowed my eyes into thin slits, staring directly at him.
See the hatred in my eyes for you, bastard.
I could feel my chest rising up and down as anger and adrenaline swirled together, becoming dangerous. Without thinking about my actions, I spit down, aiming directly for his face. I was taught growing up that it was the most disrespectful dirty thing to do.
That's exactly why Trevor deserved it.
My spit landed directly above his lips and slid down onto his upper lip.
"Bullseye!" I grinned, feeling proud of my work. Trevor's whole body tensed up and he flared his nostrils at me, getting ready to charge like a raging bull.
I immediately turned and bolted up the remaining stairs, heading for my bedroom door. I quickly locked it, pushing the chest of drawers in front of the door. My heart pounded and it wasn't long before Trevor hammered on it with his fists, hard. The door threatened to come off it's hinges and I stared wide eyed at them. It was the only thing seperating me from the beast.
Please go away.
He was raging behind the door, screaming at me so much, I couldn't make out the words. I imagined him frothing at the mouth, fists slamming into the wood.
He suddenly stopped, silence filling the house.
I could hear my heart beating inside of my ears and I frowned, leaning closer to the door.
"What has she done this time honey?" Mum asked him, her voice small and timid. The fact that she didn't stop him sickened me. Imagine the person who is supposed to protect you the fiercest in this world, standing back and allowing such pain to come to you.
"I hate her!" Trevor hissed and I rolled my eyes at his immature behaviour. I listened as he said something else, much quieter this time. I couldn't make out the words but whatever it was, caused Mum to grow silent. I frowned deeper at the door –
What was happening?
Moments passed and I heard Trevor retreat back down the stairs, his feet slamming down hard onto the steps in rage. He was leaving me alone?
"I swear it to you, I will kill her slowly if she gets in my way again!"
My blood ran cold at his words.
My hands began shaking profusely and I dropped my bag to the floor in shock. My phone and clothes spilled out but I didn't care. I walked over to my bed and slid down onto the floor beside it, feeling my body and mind turn completely numb. Kill me.
The thing that disgusted me the most was that my own mother didn't disagree with him. She didn't argue back or stick up for me. A normalmother would call the police, kick him out the house in fear for their daughter's safety. I felt the bile rise in the back of my throat and ran to the bathroom, nearly missing the toilet bowl. My eyes were stinging and I let out a tiny gasp, kneeling against the toilet for support. Tears rolled down my cheek and I whimpered, my entire body shaking in fright.
The constant years of abuse finally began to hit me all at once and I found it impossible to breathe. Every single beating ran through my mind, Trevor's cruel taunts and evil eyes.
I have to get away from here.
Where would I go? Trevor would find me.
I had no choice, I was trapped.
The thought of Trevor continuing to beat me,
(if not worse) sent chills running through my entire body. I lay against the cold tiles, pulling my knees to my chest and shivering in fright.
"Please God, let this all end." I cried out, my chest heaving with sobs. My father's face flashed through my mind and I yelled out, kicking the wall opposite me in frustration. I knew it wasn't his fault but I couldn't help think this wouldn't have happened if he didn't die.
"Why Dad, why?!" I yelled at the bathroom ceiling, feeling my cheeks soaked with tears.
"Why did you leave me?" I whimpered quietly, tugging at my hair. Despite the strands being locked around my fingers, I feel no pain. Instead my thoughts begin to swirl around my head, going so fast I can barely understand what's going on around me. I feel my sanity slipping away second by second and my heart rate goes insane from fear and anger.
My jaw clenched tightly and I tug at my hair harder, feeling anger towards myself.
Why am I not strong?
If only I could find the strength to expose Mum and Trevor but I am weak. Ever since my father left me alone in this cruel world, I began to slowly fall apart. A piece of me chipped away day by day and I had come to realise that I didn't even recognise myself anymore.
I was a broken shell that was once the loving, fun Emily Wentworth.
Through my blurred vision, I glanced at the razor perched on the bathroom sink, the blade glistening at me. Without thinking, I lunged for it, gripping the handle tightly until it dug deep into my palm.
I want the pain to stop, I want Trevor and Mum to stop, I want the abuse to stop.
I want everything to stop.
I didn't feel anything anymore…
I became numb.
The most terrifying emotion a person can feel is absolutely nothing. Feeling nothing means you simply don't care anymore. You don't care about yourself and that is more dangerous than someone holding a gun at your temple ready to shoot. You feel no fear, no anger.
You feel nothing.
I don't feel the blade pierce into the tender skin on my wrists, causing it to sting like a burning fire. I don't feel the blood drip from my wrists onto my bare legs either.
I feel nothing.
I eventually dropped the razor to the floor, my eyes staring emotionless at the blood that continued to fall. I could hear a faint buzzing in my ears as I watched myself slowly sink deeper inside the hole of despair.
I don't know how long I remained like that.
I don't know whether it was minutes, hours or days.
Eventually, my eyes flicker shut. The bright shade of red didn't leave my vision and even through my closed eyelids, I see the blood.
"I'll see you soon Daddy," I whisper, surprised I still had the ability to form words.
That's when I drifted off into a sleep I didn't know whether I'd wake up from.
Slumped against the bathroom tiles.
Feeling absolutely nothing.
The Loneliness Hit Me Like a Ton of Bricks
Light streamed in through the window, settling around me like a protective halo. My eyes slowly flutter open and I groan, squeezing them shut tightly. The sunlight is too bright for my sensitive vision. My eyes are stinging and I can barely keep them open for any longer than a few seconds.
"Dad?" I murmur weakly, my voice croaky and low. I listen out carefully for a response, my body shaking in fear. I don't understand what is happening around me. Silence surrounds me, the feeling of loneliness hitting me like a ton of bricks.
I'm lying on the bathroom floor, my head resting against the tiles in an uncomfortable position. My entire body ached and burned from any slight movement. I glance down, finding my arms stained with dried blood.
It looks alien against my skin.
My eyes fill with tears as reality hits me.
I'm not dead. I'm still here. I failed.
Life is so cruel that it's forcing me to continue with this living nightmare.
I let out a small whimper, angry at myself for not being able to get at least one thing right. I inhale deeply before gripping tightly onto the toilet seat as I attempt to lift myself up. My legs wobble underneath me unsteadily and my arms begin to shake vigorously from the strain.
All I want to do right now is sleep.
My body is screaming at me to give in and rest from weeks, years of being mistreated.
I shuffle over and lower myself carefully in the shower, sitting cross legged on the shower floor. The second the warm water washes over my body, I feel my shoulders slump in relief. I spent the next half hour letting the water wash away the blood off my arms. The entire time I ignore the burning sting, knowing I'm the only one to blame for that.
I clean the bathroom and rinse Jake's clothes, washing away as much blood as I can. My eyes are threatening to close any second and I feel disorientated from my exhaustion. My body swayed as I crawled to my bed, opening up my nightstand drawer and taking out the emergency first aid kit.
After bandaging my arms as best as I could, I changed into some clean pyjamas and buried myself deep inside my bed, surrounded by blankets. The clock on my bedside table read 10am. The thought of attending school made me nauseous, my stomach churning.
I pull the duvet around me and snuggle in, breathing in the familiar scent. Barely a minute passes before my body finally gives in and I fall into a deep much needed sleep.
I wake up to the sound of my phone going off, over and over again. I groan and reach out for it on my bedside table but it's not in its usual place. I sigh and slowly sit up, my body screaming in pain. It's dark outside and my clock reads 11pm. I slept through the whole day.
"Wow, that's a new record for me." I mutter. I crawl onto the floor towards my phone which is by my door. The screen is brightly lit up, alerting me that I have several miscalls and numerous amount of texts. I let out a small groan as I reach over for it. My arms can barely support my weight and I feel myself grow light headed. I know I'm about to pass out if I don't rest so I shuffle back towards my bed, phone in hand. I press the home button and wince at the screen. I am so not ready to face brightness.
I have ten texts from Trish, asking if I'm okay and whether I'll be coming into college. As the texts progress, Trish believed I was beginning to ignore her and didn't want to be friends anymore. I let out a small laugh at how overreactive the girl can get. After texting her back and letting her know I'm fine, I scroll along to my next text message.
It's from Ivory, asking whether I'm okay as I don't usually skip a day. I smile at her concern and respond to her, again letting her know that I'm fine.
Nothing is ever fine but I can't tell her that, I can never tell anyone.
I'm afraid if my secret is exposed, people will treat me differently. . . Like fine china. Breakable. Fragile. That's not how I want to be known. I don't want people to whisper behind my back, whispering about my abuse. I don't want rumours being created about how Trevor did this and did that to me.
The next text message is from an unknown number. My heart speeds up as my mind wonders to the night where I received the call from the person claiming to be my dead father. Since then, I've had no other calls but the thought of it still causes an uneasy feeling to settle inside my stomach. I breathe in sharply, composing myself before my eyes scan over the text — Are you ok? -J.
I bite my lower lip as I try to figure out who's texting me. It takes me a while to realise but eventually, I get it. J is obviously Jake.
How did he get my number?
Why does he care if I'm okay?
My heart began to pick up speed once again but not because I'm afraid. . . Because I think Jake cares about me. Why else would he ask how I am? I quickly push the thought to the back of my mind. The boy doesn't care about people, definitely not me. I decided against ignoring him so I quickly text him, wondering whether he'll even respond.
I'm fine, thanks. Em.
I send the text and don't expect to get a response back immediately. I sit and stare at my phone for a few moments, surprised that he's texting me.
Where were u today? And if you didn't already know, it's Jake.
I roll my eyes and text him back, a ghost of a smile flickering across my face.
Me – I know it's you, silly. And I was at home, busy.
Jake – Can I call you?
I hesitate at my phone, taken aback by Jake's request. I'm afraid if he hears my voice, he'll sense the pain I'm feeling. I bite down on my lower lip, strangely wanting to hear his voice. I feel so lonely and maybe talking to Jake will take my mind off things. . .
Me – Sure.
My phone rings instantly and I glance down at it for a second or two, unsure of what to do. Without thinking too hard about it, I answer the phone, holding it up to my ear.
"Hello?" I whisper, my voice quiet and hoarse.
I smile, liking how my name sounds coming from him. I'm also surprised at how comfortable I feel talking to him.
"Are you okay?" Jake asks. I notice his voice is more calm than usual, a little raspy.
"Yeah, I'm probably coming down with the flu. Have you been sleeping?"
"You got me."
I laugh quietly, pulling the duvet up to my chin. My body sinks into the covers and I sigh, shoulders slumping in relief.
"Do you want me to come round and keep you company? I can bring you medicine."
"At half eleven? It's dark outside." I reply, ignoring the flutter in my stomach. I can't believe Jake Melvin just offered to keep me company and bring me medicine.
"I'm a night person," Jake responds back, humour lining his voice.
"Like a vampire?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty good at the whole blood sucking thing as well."
"Gross Jake," I giggle, his voice washing away any feeling of loneliness. Instead, a small warm feeling grew inside my stomach and a smile stretched across my face.
"I thought all girls love vampires?" Jake jokes. I roll my eyes at his stereotypical response –
"Not this girl. Beside, are you trying to make me love you?"
My words are risky, directed to be a joke. Once they left my lips, I instantly regretted them. Jake paused for a moment on the other end, silence falling between us.
"I don't need to try," he eventually replied and I immediately scoffed, the conversation turning light hearted once again.
"You're so big headed. Not every girl wants you Jake."
"That's where you're wrong Muffin. No-one can resist my charming good look's and bright, bubbly personality." His tone of voice is sarcastic, causing me to giggle once again.
"Are we still describing you? Because that sounds nothing like you Jake." I respond.
"Ouch, that hurt Wentworth."
"Want me to kiss it better?" I tease, feelings my cheek ache from the grin on my face. Jake chuckled on the other end and I imagined him smirking, a cheeky glint in his eyes.
Those gorgeous blue eyes.
"You can kiss me better?" He replies without hesitation. I pause, noticing how his voice had switched to a more serious tone. I swallow the lump in my throat nervously, unsure of how to respond.
"I'll hold you to that." I say quietly, a slight shiver running down my spine. Jake pauses on the other line for a brief second —
"Make sure you do Muffin."
We ended up chatting on the phone for the next hour, talking about all the silly things in life. The conversation never turned deep but I preferred it that way. One thing I noticed was that I couldn't stop smiling and giggling the entire conversation.
After the call, I turned my phone off, putting it underneath my pillow. Jake made me feel better. I didn't quite feel like I had just done ten rounds with Mike Tyson.
And obviously lost.
I closed my eyes, drifting off into one of the most peaceful sleeps I'd had in a long time. My dreams were focused around the people in my life that made me happy. The people who made me smile and caused a warm feeling to settle inside my stomach from the thought of them.
Dad, Trish, Grandad, Ivory, Jake…
Yes, even I'm surprised at the last one.
The Return Of The Creep
My safe haven, let me tell you about it.
A cafe located down small side streets that's only a ten minute walk from where I live. It's a small building, possibly too small but that's what I like about it. The moment I enter, the warmth and scent ravels around me, making me feel safe. My father and I are the only people to know of it's existence which means Trevor has no idea that it's my favourite place to hide. I love to sit by the window when it's raining and watch as the droplets of rain slide down the glass. The entire building holds a special place in my heart along with fond memories of me and my father.
After ordering a hot chocolate and a cheese toastie, I scanned the dining area and made my way towards a seat in the corner, out of view.
Lulu's cafe is designed like the inside of a cabin. Dark wooden booths lined one corner and chocolate leather sofa's sat along the other. Pictures of assorted pastries, cakes and coffee covered the walls. The delicious scent of warm chocolate, coffee beans and pastry wafted through the air. My stomach grumbled loudly in protest, screaming out for something to eat.
I couldn't remember the last thing I'd eaten. My life seemed to be one big blur inside my memory, a sped up timeline of darkness and pain.
"There you go dear," the owner smiled, placing my plate down onto the table. The smell of toasted bread and cheese hit me and my stomach rumbled embarrassingly.
"That smells amazing, thank you." I replied, smiling at her in return.
As she began to walk off, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I smiled immediately, pulling it out, hoping to see Jake's contact flash up on the screen. It isn't Jake.
My palms began to sweat and I looked around, the paranoia building up inside me. My hands were trembling as I scanned over the text once again —
You've been skipping college… I'm watching you Emily.
Who is this person? They're watching me?
That's not creepy at all…
Who are you? Leave me alone!
I quickly send the text, slamming my phone down onto the table. I blow out the breath I'm holding and lean back against the chair, closing my eyes.
Suddenly, I don't have much of an appetite for the cheese toastie.